GROWL

Well another snow day set in today…yuck! Really over it at this point.
Hubs worked last night so me and the three all day as I had a snow day as well. My intentions were to get things accomplished around the house. NOT!
HB woke up in rare form and infected the house with it. Over ancy and looking for a fight…well he made sure he got em!
First he was playing with SG then she accident stepped on his finger…well all hell broke lose. The oversized 12 yr old tackled the 6 yr old and ripped the marker out of her hand. She screamed for me and in I ran as he was ready to pummel her. I called mobile response and instead of them coming out and doing their job they argued insurance with me for 20 mins until I told them to “fuck yourself, your worthless”. All over the fact that while she is hysterical and he is trying to destroy his room and everything in his path I couldn’t find the insurance card…WTF! Come out do your job make things calm and I can find it THEN!
Anyway, once I finally controlled the situation myself with hubs help…hubs went to bed HB was itching to fight again. Banging on everything, being a smart mouth and being cocky. I then made the mistake of asking him to take care of unloading the dishwasher…I was then lunged for and as I jumped out of the way HB hit the door jam with his arm and proceeded to go ballistic that I “planned him getting hurt”. really???? Are you kidding me??? This kid is double my size…I’m trying not to get hurt…
Finally, as he threw his fit and weight around his father got up and got HB into his bedroom(kids were playing in basement and though they heard the noises they didn’t see his antics).
As he continued to carry on his case manager called. It was like the skies opened and I found a slice of odd peace. I explained the events of today and she is coming out next week to reassess and put in for a complete new evaluation of his diagnoses. She could hear him freaking out while I was two rooms away trying to converse with her. We discussed how much the system has been failing him since for 6 yrs NOONE will keep him for inpatient observation, even after practically living in the crisis unit. He has done literally EVERY program she could rattle off the top of her head. I told her about the manipulations and stealing/lying ect.
She told me she would help but I’m still skeptical. Is there help? I want to feel human again and not like an autopilot zombie. I haven’t been sleeping with the crazy OT Hubs has been on because the kids have been sleeping in my room to avoid HB and I understand. Just makes sleepless nights longer and less bearable.
It’s like an addict…they can only truly receive help when they are ready to admit they have a problem and WANT to fix it…HB, doesn’t want to recognize nor fix his problem…how can anyone help that?
Sometimes I resent Hubs for this life but ultimately, I love him and I love HB. Just not sure how long I can continue to live this way and allow our children to be exposed to his sons ways. More and more the feeling of our kids vs his son keeps creeping in and never once did I ever imagine not considering HB my own until recently…
The kids have grown up around the “ways” of HB and bounce back ok thanks to resiliency…but it still not fair.

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